Decisions

And so it goes--I vowed forever to never be the type of woman who accepts these types of situations. Who accepts a man talking down to her, no matter the circumstance, yet here I sit thinking about the mixed messages and what ultimately will pour out of my mouth in just a few short hours.

The fact that I haven't cried scares me. Sure, I'm considered pretty strong, but if my love for him is that strong, I should be devastated. The chances of it hitting me after a few days are relatively high though.

How am I to ever look him in the face and feel the same way about him before he uttered those depracating words, those words of hatred and hurt.

I'm the type of woman who walks away, when met with adversity within a relationship. The more I think about it though, the more confused I become. It's as if a diagnosis has not yet been made, but you're so pondering the possibilities it makes you sick regardless.

Counting down the minutes to when more hurtful words are said make me sick, too. I think about how my life could be without you. With you. I think about what it will be like to go on dating--to not have to spend 2 years in a relationship where I am conscious of me. I've argued with myself that it's just not worth it--being so young and in an uncomfortable place--I'll be married and have kids one day, and on that day, I'll have to learn how to compromise and deal with such situations. But now, youth has afforded me the opportunity to just walk away.

I was also betrayed. Betrayed the first time I ever really trusted you. Having that taken away from me just so that you could prove your own point, your own "score."