"Okay," he said.

He was tall, and lanky, and where he walked, I wanted to follow.

I don't want to forget him now, but the thought of hanging on hurts too much. It's painful, but the only thing that's able to relieve me is knowing that I made a decision.

"I did it. I did it. I did it," I chanted.

It's going to feel so quiet without him. Was it worth it? Absolutely. The sadness I feel knowing he sat silently through it all.

"Okay," he said.

That was all. And it's okay.

The disappointment and tears, yes, worth every minute I got to spend with him. Every minute he reached across the table to hold my hand. Every time he leaned in to kiss my forehead. Every time he held me close. Every time he made me feel that everything was going to be okay--even if he knew better.

He taught me how to let go a little more. To allow someone in.

I got hurt again. And it'll happen again and again and again. I have to schedule for this and recognize that indeed, it's making me the person I want to be. The person I always knew I could be. The person who deserves and gives and receives. A person who will someday be a hero.

I'll save Matt a dance. I'll write his story so that I won't allow myself to forget.

I'm happy I made this decision--and now I am freer. Freer to give my heart to the next man who will shape it more. Freer to recognize that there's so much more than me, and I.

He was beautiful. His jawline was fragile. His crooked teeth were charming with just a few out of line making it unbelievably sexy. It exposed his vulnerability--to know that something so prominent was aesthetically flawed. He smiled at me anyway. It made him solidly handsome.

He was tall, and lanky, and where he walked, I wanted to follow.

Decisions

And so it goes--I vowed forever to never be the type of woman who accepts these types of situations. Who accepts a man talking down to her, no matter the circumstance, yet here I sit thinking about the mixed messages and what ultimately will pour out of my mouth in just a few short hours.

The fact that I haven't cried scares me. Sure, I'm considered pretty strong, but if my love for him is that strong, I should be devastated. The chances of it hitting me after a few days are relatively high though.

How am I to ever look him in the face and feel the same way about him before he uttered those depracating words, those words of hatred and hurt.

I'm the type of woman who walks away, when met with adversity within a relationship. The more I think about it though, the more confused I become. It's as if a diagnosis has not yet been made, but you're so pondering the possibilities it makes you sick regardless.

Counting down the minutes to when more hurtful words are said make me sick, too. I think about how my life could be without you. With you. I think about what it will be like to go on dating--to not have to spend 2 years in a relationship where I am conscious of me. I've argued with myself that it's just not worth it--being so young and in an uncomfortable place--I'll be married and have kids one day, and on that day, I'll have to learn how to compromise and deal with such situations. But now, youth has afforded me the opportunity to just walk away.

I was also betrayed. Betrayed the first time I ever really trusted you. Having that taken away from me just so that you could prove your own point, your own "score."